March 8, 2013

So this is going to be a little sad, nameless reader. I begin with a disclaimer because I don’t want you to go, “oh, there she goes again complaining, yada yada yada…” and cast this off as something that’s stupid or worse, not worth a thing. Hopefully you’ll read this as some sort of reflection rather than a complaint. Anyway, here goes.

I graduated from college in 2009. At that time, my 21-year-old self was elated because of a couple of reasons: one, school was over and mine and my partner's thesis was bound and passed (with an uno to boot), two, I was graduating with most of the people I started college with, and three, I thought the hard part was over and was glad that I was done. For someone who completed four years of college, I must say that was a stupid thought to think. But I suppose I thought that way because at that time, everything was pretty much going my way. I had a degree under my belt, friends from college, my family, and a boyfriend that I was crazy about. Fast forward to four years, a broken heart and one job later, here I am. It's hard to really elaborate, but things aren't as rosy now as they were while I was clutching a sunflower and wearing a sash on graduation day. It turned out that after college, it was going to be a little harder to make new and lasting friends and a little harder to keep the ones that you made in college. It also turned out that some jobs, though they mean well, can't give you all that you need as an employee. And it also turned out that some things are temporary, like relationships and friendships. Fast forward to today, I imagine how I looked at life years ago with how I see life in the present. It's a little bleak from where I stand in the timeline, unfortunately.

Through the years, I've realized things that were likened to slaps to the face and I've learned things about myself that I only learned because I was in pain. In short, lots of pain and lots of difficult facts to accept about the world, about the people around me, and about myself. These things really didn't come up when I was envisioning my life at 21. Actually, I don't think I ever really envisioned my life after college at all. Maybe that was the problem. Needless to say, the way I am now is light years away from who I was post-graduation. I didn't know the difficulties that lay before me after college. (People tell you that the “real world” was brutal, but you don’t really believe them until you’re in the middle of a beating.) I didn't know of the uncertainties that riddled every corner, of the decisions you can or cannot make and the stupid mistakes you commit. Basically, I didn’t know how easy it was to be in school until I was officially out of it and things started to get tough. In fact, thinking back, school was where I was probably my most stable. I knew who I was in school. I knew what I was doing. I had classes to go to, papers to write, places to hangout in, friends and classmates I could talk to, teachers to impress/avoid…if I had known about the safety bubble college provided me while I was a student, I probably would’ve stayed longer. I honestly didn't know how much of a good thing I had until it was gone. I didn't value my friends or made more of them when I was in college, now I miss having them because I rarely have opportunities to see them. I didn't know how much fun I was having and could have until I’m left with just looking at pictures of other people’s vacations after getting home from a mid shift. I didn't know that feelings could change quickly and that people change quicker. Priorities change, experiences change, everything changes. And I can't really blame them because hard as I try to stay the same, I've changed, too. Nothing really is "for good” no matter how hard we try to hold on. That’s the funny thing about change, I suppose. It happens even though we don’t want it to.

There seems to be a great disconnect between me and everything else lately. A disconnection between who I was and who I am and who I could be, between myself and the social circles that I swam in, between the job I have and that great “something” that’s supposed to fire me up and make me feel alive (which I don’t completely know yet), between the relationships that I have and the relationships that I lost. Basically, there’s a dissonance between the life that I want and the life that I lead. And it makes me feel guilty because with everything that I have, a roof over my head with a family who loves me no matter what, with a few friends who I feel genuinely care about me and a job in a company that takes care of me, what more could I ask for? Why do I feel like something’s missing when objectively speaking, I have more than enough? Why do I want more? Why do I feel guilty for wanting more? Have I been making all the wrong decisions in my life? Have I really been making decisions at all?

I'm afraid I've done well in school but am barely keeping a passing grade in life. I’m having trouble navigating through the sudden turns, shortcuts, one-ways, intersections and forks in the road and I really don't know how to find my way back. Life is pretty much a series of questions, in my mind. As I write here in my room, I feel more alone than ever. Because other people seem to have it all figured out. They don’t have questions like these running marathons in their heads. Or if they did, the questions don’t seem to be bothering them as much.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s just me overthinking things again. Maybe I sound like every other twenty-something in the world, I don’t know. But I’m writing this because I need to know that this thing that’s happening is going to end and that I’m going to be okay. I’m writing this because I need to know that someone out there might be feeling exactly what I’m feeling and by reading this won’t feel alone. Then I won’t be alone. Maybe by writing this, I’ll find strength to shoulder on and keep patient. If it’s not okay it’s not the end, right? Someday, I’ll get my answers.