If Love* Comes Along

If love comes along, I wouldn't claim it as an object that were to be possessed and kept hidden. I've done that too much in the past and it’s one of the things I've always, always regretted. If love comes along, I wouldn't smother love or pin it down because that would make love choke and slowly grow to loathe me. I wouldn't try to control love and make it a slave to my every whim. I would understand that love has a mind of its own and has its own ways. Love is its own person and will do whatever it wants regardless of what I think. It’s hard, but I guess I’ll just have to trust love enough to know that love won’t leave.

If love comes along, I’d make an effort to get to know love’s friends because they are important people in love’s life.

If love comes along, I wouldn’t count the relationship in months. Counting down months of love is fun, but that’s not all there is to it, right? I wouldn’t want love to be something that peaks on a certain day in a month every month and then lays dormant until the next crest of the wave. I want love to be a slow burn. 

If love comes along, I’d remember that too much of anything is bad, even the good stuff. Wanting to be happy all the time is a denial of problems and wanting the opposite is ignoring all the good that there is. If love comes along, I’d accept the fact that a relationship is not a well-edited montage of romantic scenes like in the movies. There are happy times, fun times, boring times, adventures, lazy days and quiet days, and that’s perfectly okay. Love is staying up all night to watch a movie that only one of the two wants to watch or helping out with an important deadline together.

If love comes along, I would accept love for what it is. I would love love for everything that it is. Love may not play the guitar or draw portraits. Love may not write poetry or make grand gestures. Love may not be that patient when it comes to fights. Love may not be a great dancer or the life of the party. Love may be a wallflower and socially awkward. Love may not be a high powered executive. Love may not be whatever love dreams to be in the future yet. Love may be in the midst of reaching its dreams. Love may not be David Beckham or Brandon Boyd or any long-time crush (I seriously doubt love would come in the form of any of them), but I know that love is who I love, and I will love love as is, imperfections and all. 

If love comes along, I would try to be more patient with love. In the event of a misunderstanding, I would take a deep breath and weed out all the unnecessary and hurtful thoughts that are fighting to come out of my mouth. I would think before I speak and try my best to understand. I’d try to remember that I don’t have to be right all the time and that what is important is that love understands me, too. I know that there will be times that I would have to agree to disagree with love, and that’s okay. 

If love comes along, I would tell love about the things that scare me, amuse me, hurt me, enrage me, and all sorts of combinations of emotions that can spring from me. In the same way, I would listen to love talk to me about love’s fears and visions of the future, of the things love considers beautiful and important. If it’s important to love, I'll at least try to be interested in it.

If love comes along, I’d take care of love. I may not be the best at it...others may be better, but I'll take care of love in the only way I know how. And if love likes the way I take care of love, then, good. If love comes along, I'd let love take care of me, too. We'll take care of each other. Because that's what you do. 

If love comes along, I would wish that person to be happy, with or without me.  

If love comes along, I'd be ready for it. And I'd be prepared to give of myself to love more. 

*The word Love may take on various forms. Throughout this post, love could be described as  a feeling, a relationship, or  a person. I apologize for the ambiguity, I really just wanted to let this out. I hope you understand, nameless reader.

How I'd Live If I Lived Alone

I've never had an opportunity to truly live by myself. My parents have made living at home far too comfortable that I never really had a need to live away from home for more than weeks at a time. The only time I did live away from home was during college and I was under the eyes of my mother's sister, who lived near my school. I take that back, my sister and I lived at my aunt's so I don't think that counts as "living alone" since I was with my sister. But anyway, sister or no sister, those years were fun. It was in those years of living with my aunt for most of my schooling that I felt the freedom of being able to go out and not have someone asking what time I'd be home and of being able to do some things the way I wanted to. I guess that's why I always seem to be thinking about living alone. I miss that little freedom that I felt when I went to college. I figured, if I felt that way under adult supervision, how much more if I really was living all by myself? So here are the things I imagine I'd be doing if I lived alone. Cue harp music, blur, pan up to the heavens…and go.


I’d be a great cook. Here's the scenario. I have a few friends over in my apartment for a semi-regular movie night. While they're poring over a movie, I'd be in my little kitchen cooking up something delicious that they'd all be raving about once they've tasted the first bite. Beyond the semi-regular movie night, I'd be cooking meals for myself and for anyone who visits me and I would love it. I'd cook bacon and eggs and French toast for breakfast, and learn how to make lasagna (my childhood favorite) and sinigang and kare-kare, and practice baking cookies and brownies and pies for dessert. I'd have a growing collection of recipes and though it would be a struggle to learn how to cook by myself, I'd be surprised and delighted to find that I am actually succeeding. But if that doesn't happen, I could always live on instant pancit canton and Ramen noodles. Oh, and Ma Ling. 

My dinner guests will be like Dora's backpack. 

Omnomnomnomnom. Delicioso!

I'd sit in the living room with utility bills and a calculator. Because I'm not good at math, I'll probably be spending an hour or two of my weekend figuring out how to adjust my budget to accommodate the rent, food, electricity, water, internet, and all kinds of bills. I'd also contemplate on getting a part-time job so I could afford to buy stuff that I want, like shoes or the occasional electronic device and plane tickets.

I would definitely be making emergency runs to the grocery because I keep forgetting to keep track of the food in the fridge. Or the toilet paper. Or shampoo when shampoo bubbles just won't do (putting water in the bottle more than twice will only yield slightly soapy water, I know that for a fact!) and other important items in a home that one absolutely cannot live without. These grocery runs will happen regularly because I have yet to master the art of inventory.

I'd be scared out of my wits due to the fact that I am living alone. There will be nights when I will suddenly realize that I am a sitting duck, completely vulnerable to dangers both internal and external. I will worry about robbers, rapists, murderers, swindlers, ghosts, bangungot, accidents, and other situations that cannot be dealt with alone. What if I choke on my own deliciously baked lasagna/pancit canton? Can you do a Heimlich maneuver on yourself? To somehow make me feel like I've found a remedy to this problem, I'd probably buy myself a cute puppy to act as my playmate/companion/guard puppy.

Hello, emo puppy. Would you like to live with me? 

I'd prefer the apartment to be like the homes of the Koreans I see on TV, where everything is near the floor which, more often than not, is spic and span. I'd keep a tiny broom and dustpan handy to keep my space as tidy as I can. Wait, who am I kidding here? I live in creative chaos. Rewind. I'd keep a tiny broom and dustpan handy so I can keep the space from being too...unruly. I'd also have a desk where my laptop and all other hobby things are stationed. The closet, however, is an entirely different story.

I'd ask someone carry a spare key on their person at all times in case of emergencies. Someone I know who would be there if I found myself locked out of my own place. Probably my sister because it's impossible for me not to even consider her. If I had a boyfriend, I'd probably ask him to do that, too. The bottom line is that there will be times when I will be locked out of my own home even though I know that that's a stupid thing to do. I need people to look beyond the stupidity and just help me out when I need it.

I'd keep beer in the fridge. You never know when you'll need 'em, really. In good times or in bad, there's always a reason to chug down a chilly can of beer. YES.

Golden gift from God! Get in my belly! 

I'd probably walk around in my underwear. Because I can. I don't need to explain myself further. My place, my rules. Walang basagan ng trip, k?

I'd dream about the things I’d decorate my place with. There are already pictures of bookcases, chairs, utensils, hammocks, and desks that I've reblogged in my Tumblr account for future reference. At the rate I'm going, my apartment will probably be filled with objects and furniture that are unique and interesting on their own but have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I imagine that it will be an eclectic mix of cute little trinkets and I'd be perfectly happy with them. 

I'd be sad and miss the feeling of being comfortable at home where everything is free and everyone is familiar. But I will remember that there is a different kind of free that I yearn for and that will make me feel better until the next time I miss everything all over again.

Every family is a little messed up in one way or another. 

But they're still family. 

All of the things I mentioned are rather...idealistic, so I don't really expect that living on my own will turn out the way I'd just described it. I probably sound like a teenager, don't I? Gushing about living on my own when some people would much rather live with their families. Most people probably think that I don't need to live away from home to be able to do some of the things I just described. And they're right, I don't have to. I guess the defining factor between doing these things at home and away from home is that I'd be dealing with everything by myself, and that I have no choice but to deal with things by myself. That thought alone is daunting, especially for a bunso like me who's always had kuyas and an ate to call when things got tough. But there's no harm in imagining a life where I'm self sufficient and strong, right? There's really no harm in day dreaming.