March 8, 2013

So this is going to be a little sad, nameless reader. I begin with a disclaimer because I don’t want you to go, “oh, there she goes again complaining, yada yada yada…” and cast this off as something that’s stupid or worse, not worth a thing. Hopefully you’ll read this as some sort of reflection rather than a complaint. Anyway, here goes.

I graduated from college in 2009. At that time, my 21-year-old self was elated because of a couple of reasons: one, school was over and mine and my partner's thesis was bound and passed (with an uno to boot), two, I was graduating with most of the people I started college with, and three, I thought the hard part was over and was glad that I was done. For someone who completed four years of college, I must say that was a stupid thought to think. But I suppose I thought that way because at that time, everything was pretty much going my way. I had a degree under my belt, friends from college, my family, and a boyfriend that I was crazy about. Fast forward to four years, a broken heart and one job later, here I am. It's hard to really elaborate, but things aren't as rosy now as they were while I was clutching a sunflower and wearing a sash on graduation day. It turned out that after college, it was going to be a little harder to make new and lasting friends and a little harder to keep the ones that you made in college. It also turned out that some jobs, though they mean well, can't give you all that you need as an employee. And it also turned out that some things are temporary, like relationships and friendships. Fast forward to today, I imagine how I looked at life years ago with how I see life in the present. It's a little bleak from where I stand in the timeline, unfortunately.

Through the years, I've realized things that were likened to slaps to the face and I've learned things about myself that I only learned because I was in pain. In short, lots of pain and lots of difficult facts to accept about the world, about the people around me, and about myself. These things really didn't come up when I was envisioning my life at 21. Actually, I don't think I ever really envisioned my life after college at all. Maybe that was the problem. Needless to say, the way I am now is light years away from who I was post-graduation. I didn't know the difficulties that lay before me after college. (People tell you that the “real world” was brutal, but you don’t really believe them until you’re in the middle of a beating.) I didn't know of the uncertainties that riddled every corner, of the decisions you can or cannot make and the stupid mistakes you commit. Basically, I didn’t know how easy it was to be in school until I was officially out of it and things started to get tough. In fact, thinking back, school was where I was probably my most stable. I knew who I was in school. I knew what I was doing. I had classes to go to, papers to write, places to hangout in, friends and classmates I could talk to, teachers to impress/avoid…if I had known about the safety bubble college provided me while I was a student, I probably would’ve stayed longer. I honestly didn't know how much of a good thing I had until it was gone. I didn't value my friends or made more of them when I was in college, now I miss having them because I rarely have opportunities to see them. I didn't know how much fun I was having and could have until I’m left with just looking at pictures of other people’s vacations after getting home from a mid shift. I didn't know that feelings could change quickly and that people change quicker. Priorities change, experiences change, everything changes. And I can't really blame them because hard as I try to stay the same, I've changed, too. Nothing really is "for good” no matter how hard we try to hold on. That’s the funny thing about change, I suppose. It happens even though we don’t want it to.

There seems to be a great disconnect between me and everything else lately. A disconnection between who I was and who I am and who I could be, between myself and the social circles that I swam in, between the job I have and that great “something” that’s supposed to fire me up and make me feel alive (which I don’t completely know yet), between the relationships that I have and the relationships that I lost. Basically, there’s a dissonance between the life that I want and the life that I lead. And it makes me feel guilty because with everything that I have, a roof over my head with a family who loves me no matter what, with a few friends who I feel genuinely care about me and a job in a company that takes care of me, what more could I ask for? Why do I feel like something’s missing when objectively speaking, I have more than enough? Why do I want more? Why do I feel guilty for wanting more? Have I been making all the wrong decisions in my life? Have I really been making decisions at all?

I'm afraid I've done well in school but am barely keeping a passing grade in life. I’m having trouble navigating through the sudden turns, shortcuts, one-ways, intersections and forks in the road and I really don't know how to find my way back. Life is pretty much a series of questions, in my mind. As I write here in my room, I feel more alone than ever. Because other people seem to have it all figured out. They don’t have questions like these running marathons in their heads. Or if they did, the questions don’t seem to be bothering them as much.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s just me overthinking things again. Maybe I sound like every other twenty-something in the world, I don’t know. But I’m writing this because I need to know that this thing that’s happening is going to end and that I’m going to be okay. I’m writing this because I need to know that someone out there might be feeling exactly what I’m feeling and by reading this won’t feel alone. Then I won’t be alone. Maybe by writing this, I’ll find strength to shoulder on and keep patient. If it’s not okay it’s not the end, right? Someday, I’ll get my answers.

sad face reversal

An officemate of mine asked me what I do when I feel sad. Though I really didn't think that I was qualified to tell her what to do, I wanted to help her feel better because she was having a hard time making certain decisions about her life after having a grade A a-hole for an ex-boyfriend in the office. Seriously, this guy is a dick and a half.

Anyway, since I've been thinking about this subject ever since she asked me, I thought I'd write it down. This is pretty self-serving as well because I've been feeling down for the past couple of days.

What To Do When You're Sad

1. Let yourself feel sad. My sister once called me a pressure cooker. I was telling her about a problem I was having at the office and she told me that I  tend to keep things inside until I can't contain them anymore. I suppose that's true. For the past few years I've made a habit of brushing things off just so my feelings won't get hurt. It's effective, I think, but I guess there's a limit. In the end, the pent up irritations/hurt/anger that I felt about an issue at the office was set off by a small incident that could've easily been ignored. With that in mind, I think that if you feel sad, just let yourself feel sad. Instead of talking yourself out of it by telling yourself that you shouldn't feel sad over something, or that you're letting yourself appear weak by giving in to your feelings, allow yourself to just let it out. Give yourself a couple of days to think about things and to feel what you're actually feeling. It doesn't make you any less of a person if you feel sad over something or someone.
2. Write it out. If crying it out isn't enough of a cathartic experience, maybe writing about it will. Write for yourself, write to get things off your chest, write to let yourself feel free. As cliche-sounding and cheesy as that is, it seems to work, at least for me. Another friend of mine said that she writes down all the bad stuff she feels on a piece of paper and burns them. Whatever works, as long as you are able to express yourself. Think of it this way, if you write it out, you won't be able to hurt anyone else with your words or thoughts.
3. Talk to somebody about it. If writing doesn't work and the heavy weight still feels like a boulder on your back, find a friend who you can talk to comfortably and you know won't judge you. Even if talking to that person doesn't end with a solution to your problems, at least the heaviness that you feel regarding them will lessen. Just don't depend on that person to be available to listen to you all the time. This person is your friend, not a private, on-call therapist. 
4. Distraction, distraction, dis...what? One of the reasons why I love YouTube is that it provides me access to all of the funniest, stupidest, most entertaining, thought provoking, helpful, useless videos that I want. Aside from YouTube and streaming video, I read books, surf the internet, do a movie marathon, talk to friends, spend time with my family, return to an old hobby or think about other stuff that I neglected to address because I was so messed up. Do whatever you like. The point is that you should allow yourself a moment's reprieve from feeling like crap, even if it's just for a little while. 
5. Eat something delicious. Doesn't have to be a gourmet dinner from an expensive restaurant. Just eat something that you like. If it costs a little more than usual, indulge yourself. You've been in an emotional washing machine for the past few days, you deserve to eat something amazing after having your feelings throttled around on spin dry. Just remember: moderation is key. 
6. Smile like you mean it. I read somewhere that you can trick your mind into thinking that you're happy when you smile. It kind of comes off as "emo kid" thing to say but it's worth a try. So smile. You don't have to mean it all the time. Smile because you have to. :) (Speaking of which, I should really get into the habit of putting emoticons when I text message...I must sound like the dead when people read my texts...)

One thing that I have learned from the times when I felt sad is this: there will inevitably come a day when you'll wake up one morning and feel better than the last. And when you wake up that way one morning, you can choose to be sick of being sad or bury yourself back into the covers and go on being sad. One thing you have to realize is that being sad over a thing or a person won't change anything. It certainly won't make time stop. Time will pass regardless of whether you're happy or sad, that's just the way it is. Might as well make the time worthwhile. 

Do You Dare To Dream?

This is an amazing video that came to me just when I needed it. Quarter life crisis is a beeyotch and a self-esteem blackhole, so I really needed this a week ago. It got me out of my self-pity stupor and I hope that it helps you out, too, nameless reader.

Enjoy.

Maundy Thursday randomness

There's an air of peace and quiet this Maundy Thursday. Probably because most of the people within a kilometer radius have packed up and left town for the extended weekend. My parents have gone early this morning to bring some balikbayan relatives to a nearby province to participate in the traditional visita iglesia and won't be back til later, I suppose. So it's just me and my sister hanging out with no plans whatsoever. Oh, and Bryan, our friend. As I type, he's busy with his Review of Related Literature for a report that he did about cephalopods (the family where octopus and squids belong to, for you biology dummies like me). When I talked to him for a few minutes, he told me about how an octopus camouflages and that a chunk of coral polyps (which reproduces asexually) is called a polyp colony. It's quite fun to learn about these things when it comes in easy-to-digest bite sizes. Now I want to learn how to scuba dive even more.

We've been distracted and now watching Hanna. Well, we did say anything goes today. 

Maybe I'll get more time to reflect later tonight. 

trying to make sense of a tragedy

Bad news in the headlines lately. A 16-year old Behavioral Studies freshman from the University of the Philippines Manila named Kristel Tejada took her own life after being forced to take a leave of absence because she couldn't pay her tuition fee. She was the eldest of five kids. Her father is a taxi driver and her mother is a homemaker. She was young and she had a future ahead of her. She was studying in one of the premier schools in the country. It's a tragedy that this happened because she didn't deserve this. Nor her parents. 

Presently, the students of UP are outraged and it's easy to see why. UP is supposed to be a public school subsidized by the government. UP is supposed to be offering educational opportunities to those who deserve it but are not financially capable of doing so. UP is supposed to stand for the idea that education is a right and not a privilege. Right now, UP isn't doing a good job of being UP. And they're practically being burned at the stake for it. I wish I could say that they didn't deserve it. 

Meanwhile, opinions about another issue closely entwined with this issue are swirling around social media. That is, the validity of the suicide, which is a completely different issue from the main one. Some people opine that suicide wasn't an answer and that she shouldn't have given up that easily. There are other solutions, they say. She could've taken the LOA and found a job and saved money. She could have gotten a scholarship. There are other solutions. I agree. But then again, personal strength comes in different amounts for everyone. And I can't absolutely say anything for certain because I've not walked a mile in her shoes. 

Which leads me to something that's bothering me about this whole thing. People's reactions towards this issue is understandably violent. But what gets me is that the suicide issue (which is a topic of debate all on its own) can't be separated from the main issue. Some people are throwing stones at those who say that there are other ways to deal with problem other than suicide. Their reply to that is somewhere along the lines of calling others ignorant and burgis, disregarding their opinions altogether (which also bothers me because if their opinions are wrong, shouldn't you try to educate them instead of call them names?). Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Either way, this debate about the suicide distracts from the real questions: why is UP acting like a private school? What happened to education as a right? What is wrong with the system? 

Stop fighting people about differing opinions and just focus on what is true and unquestionable: that this happened because the tuition fee is too expensive and a young girl killed herself over it. 

So the fight for justice begins. And Kristel Tejada will always be remembered as the girl who inspired it all. 

Rejection Therapy

I've been thinking about Rejection Therapy a lot for the past few days. Yes, there is such a thing as Rejection Therapy. It's a self-help game developed by some dude named Jason Comely. Yes, it's supposed to help you be more self-confident.

My friend Kat told me about it last Sunday after we spent a day hanging out. Basically, the gist of this thing is that in order to improve self-confidence and get rid of a fear of rejection, one has to constantly put themselves in a position where they will be rejected. That way, after countless rejections, a person will get used to the feeling rejection brings and they won't be scared of it. Forced exposure, Wikipedia says. Flooding, psychology says.

So basically, it's a vaccine for your emotional white blood cells. It totally prescribes to the old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and makes me believe that you really can get used to anything.

The rule for this game is simple: get rejected at least once a day. By rejection, it means getting out of your comfort zone and then getting a negative response to whatever you say. The point is to make yourself vulnerable. There's a guy who keeps a blog to record all his rejections. Check it out here.

This game is a little weird. And probably the most terrifying one if you choose to participate. Does it really take that much rejection to be desensitized?

...Yes.

With that in mind, I've been thinking about doing something like this myself. Not everyday, though. I don't think my heart can take that much rejection a day. Maybe do something or ask something of people that I know will get me a "no". I don't know...still thinking about it.

fighting off sickness and boredom

Greetings, nameless random people who read this blog. It's taken me quite a while to get around to updating this blog of mine that doesn't really get read by anyone I know. Between the intermittent internet connection I get here at home and my much busier hours at work, I couldn't seem to find an opportunity to write a blog post to welcome the new year. It took me a month, but welcome to my life, Year 2013.

I'm feeling ill right now so I'll take this as an opportunity to actually sit down and write a blog post, no matter how trivial it may be. It's kind of sad to be sick and not have much company except for the TV and the computer. They're not bad company at all, but with most of my family gone to work and I'm confined in the room for bed rest, it kind of gets lonely and boring. This is a strange notion because every time things get a little too busy, all I want is a day spent doing nothing. The grass is always greener on the other side, huh?

So here I am munching on some little fuji apples (because they're the only thing I can probably eat right now) and fighting off boredom.

So, how are you, nameless reader? How's your year so far? Mine has been satisfactory, but it can always be better. Do you have a date for V-day? Lucky you, then. People who have dates on V-day are lucky people, I think. But that's just me. I hope your dates go well and as planned. For those who don't have dates, may we be patient until we finally get our turns! Cheers!

This blog post isn't really going anywhere. I just wanted to post something to keep this thing alive and hopefully fuel me to write better (and more interesting) posts in the future. Til next time!